habit of awareness, part 1-4

In an effort to "listen to my life" in this season of discernment, I want to build a habit of awareness. To process parts of my journey, I am naming some of the pieces of my life that have shaped my heart and spirit. 

With this awareness, I hope to find a way forward into what my heart's desire is -- so that I can pursue what's next with confidence that I was prepared for it. 

PART 1 -- Pain

I am 10 years into my journey of daily physical pain. I've learned in those years that pain dulls other experiences. It steals clarity, drains energy and takes up attention. It depresses and suppresses the good things. It highlights the bad; it embitters. 

I dislike having this weakness. Actually, I hate it. Its enduring presence has taught me to be less hopeful. It has, at times, made me angry. It has taught me to ball up my hands into fists, and fear when I could trust. 

I have often felt as if I am acting from only a fraction of myself, while some other parts are taken up in the grind of navigating pain. 

PART 2 -- Reconciliation

Pain comes in many forms and through some of my experiences of lost relationship, I have felt unspeakable sadness. I grieve it -- the loss of safety and shared experience amongst friends. This is the painful to me, it feels fragmented and broken. I know some might say -- "ease up! people move on! get a little tougher." But I think I will always grieve it. I want the channels between me and others to be clear. I don't like barriers. I think this comes from leaving and starting again a few times in my life -- I like knowing there is a chance of moving forward together and taking care of each other. We belong to each other. 

I have a deep desire for reconciliation and wholeness in relationship. This to me feels like an unquenchable, leaving-the-door-open hope. Losing friends or broken relationships are to me an earthly picture of second best. Best case scenario is harmony and peace between everyone. It was never meant to be this way. 

PART 3 -- Love

My life has been filled to over-flowing with messy, real, running-over love. With a healthy bedrock of patient, intentional, intergenerational, deep-and-wide family love, I have learned good habits of trust and truth in love. My family members are among some of my greatest love-gifts I have and have the protect-each-other and build-together types of loving hearts. I also have a beautiful smattering of belly-laughing, sisterhood and brother-like friendships that ground me and teach me about love in its many forms. I have been blessed with the kind of love that draws you home and keeps you safe in my husband, Jordan, whom I call 'Love'. Daily, he shows me reckless-abandon, committed love that strengthens me and primes each day with peace in knowing I am always loved. Finally, I have a jealous King, resurrected Saviour, and kind Lord who has shown me such love and sacrifice in Jesus and through His generous grace towards me. 

I am abundantly blessed. I know deep love and feel secure in it. 

PART 4 -- Rest

I don't rest well. 

(On that note, I'm taking a break from writing. Will be back with more 'parts' soon.)