to watch a bird’s first flight

to laugh with sheer delight

to grasp measures of grace

to find a hiding place

to sing life’s quiet song

to live the whole day long

to rest in pastures green

to trust in the unseen

to run and, yes, to stumble

to know and greet the humble

to love and sacrifice

to pay an honest price

to wash each other’s feet

to bless each one we meet

to care for those who mourn

to take heed not to scorn

to share; to best provide

to walk side by side

to grasp all that we know

to give so we can grow

'this is home' 

- written nov.15/2011

this is a call, cry, voice, plea

my petition and my decree

this is the voice in my head 

and the heart on my sleeve

its the Love that i seek 

and the way that i’m weak

and the ways i don’t know 

and the tantrums i throw

this is a song, life, gift, dream

my path, my eyes, my fidelity 

where my cup overflows

where a heart’s beauty shows

where the lost find a home

and a truth clearly shown 

welcomed in, unprepared

you meet Love, aren’t scared

this is a fire, light, joy, fear

my hope, my heart, my darling, my dear. 

this is the way we cry 

this is to no goodbyes

this is for questioning why

this is the reasons we lie

this is a plan to be free

this is a joy, plain to see

this is home. 

'you hold me now.' 'no hiding'.

My favourite new thought is not really a new thought but one as old as I am. My name, Rachel, means innocent lamb. If you've met me, initially, a gentle lamb may not be the first thing that comes to mind. I've said before, and it's true, if I'm dishonest enough with myself, I consider myself a pretty strong person. Ha. The truest, most honest part of me is as gentle and innocent as a lamb. This "Rachel" doesn't plan ahead, won't run ahead - is eager to listen, learn and be loved. I've been encouraged recently (and throughout my life) to embrace the 'heart' I've been given and "let theory fall away". Don't get clouded, don't plan in expectation of having things in control... be led.

"He gathers the lambs in His arms, and carries them close to his heart" -- the closest I am to a lamb... the closer I am to His heart. The closer I am to His heart, the less I can hide of my own brokenness, the most honest I am.

'Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.' Let's think about this. How can what is happening on earth be "as it is" in heaven? Jesus made it possible. God's grace and surpassing goodness reached out. His nature is such that we are, in our brokenness, beautiful and able to be redeemed by Jesus' sacrifice.

Psalm 113:5-8

"Who is like the Lord our God, Who has His seat on high,
Who humbles Himself to regard the heavens and the earth!
[The Lord] raises the poor out of the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap and the dung hill,
That He may seat them with princes, even with the princes of His people."

It is the majesty and compassion combo of God that baffles me. To truly believe that He is King and Lord of all, and then to also believe that He touched the brokenness in those who he met on the streets of Jerusalem, the bleeding, the blind, the beggar, the forgotten. He touched them. He restored heaven to them.
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You Hold Me Now - hillsong

on the day when I see
all that You have for me
when I see you face to face
there surrounded by Your grace

all my fears swept away
in the light of your embrace
where your love is all i need
and forever i am free

where the streets are made of gold
in your presence ...
let this song of heaven rise
to You alone

no weeping, no hurt or pain,
no suffering, you hold me now
you hold me now
no darkness, no sin or pain
no hiding, you hold me now
you hold me now

in this life i will stand
through my joy and my pain
knowing there's a greater day
there's a hope that never fails

where your name is lifted high
and forever praises rise
for the glory of Your name

where the wars and violence cease
all creation lives in peace
let this song of heaven rise
to you alone

for eternity all my heart
will give all the glory
to Your Name

Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven

courting or dating? this conversation is always an interesting one. one of the first times i heard both sides 'defended' was at a church youth service as a teenager. my dad was the speaker who had a panel of people of different ages answering questions posed by the crowd. perhaps surprisingly (considering the topic and stereotypical stance of teenage daughter vs father), i sided with my dad's view on dating. shocking? maybe. but, let's get this started right.......

rachel's disclaimer: i'm no expert here (on courting or dating); i'm simply voicing my thoughts on the subject. a few friends had a chat the other day about it and i thought i'd continue the conversation here. i'm not pointing fingers at people who are dating/have dated or who are courting/have courted to say they are superstars or fools. honest!! (in fact, i know a couple couples who just started dating and i think that's awesome.)

that said, allow me to trek through some treacherous terrain here. 

here's where i'm coming from: a good friend of mine told me this Spring that they didn't know how i would ever decide that someone was safe/right enough to date. i believe the direct quote was: "i think when you are ready to date someone, you'll be ready to marry them"*. that same friend said the way he made his mind up about dating someone was that he would date her if he was interested enough in them to see if there was 'anything there'. 

* no doubt there are challenges to my supposed style of 'engagement', however, i haven't married a fool yet.... so i think i may be on the right track. 

back to my observant friend-- i'm not saying his attitude towards dating is wrong. don't get the wrong idea, he is by no means reckless in his dating ways... i'm just pointing out the difference between my standoffish style and his daring-to-date demeanour. 

courting adjourned? - before we get all excited about jumping on the courting train, maybe we should ask an important question: is courting a thing of the past? i mean, it is a thing of the past... since it's been around for a while (see 'Rules of Courtly Love': http://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/rules_of_love.html)... but is it reasonable to think it happens these days?

let's define 'courting', shall we? it's synonyms are 'woo, pursue, chase'. def'n: 'to seek the favour, affection, or love of, especially with a view to marriage'. alright, i mean... maybe this is where i show my true colours, but, as my good friend erika would say: "i'm just gonna put it out there"... if we're being honest, we love the chase, am i right? especially the chase that doesn't result in wasted energy, no? the goal is not to be running wild through a field with our arms flailing, people. 

i would say it is the purposefulness of courting i find so appealing. communication is upfront; intentions are clear. this doesn't mean the relationship is boring, of course, just... precise in its expectations of the course of the relationship. which is towards... marriage! it may play out as meeting intentionally in certain settings, with different people, to get to know each other. and then, in the event that one or both of you does not see it proceeding in that direction, the intentional time together simply stops.  

a matter of tact! - furthermore, for courting to be successful, i think both people have to know themselves well, and be honest with themselves. (this is where some might argue that dating is beneficial: in the earlier years... you learn so much about yourself and others when you date people.)

the hardest part of the dating situations i've witnessed, is that there's a sometimes long period of dating that resembles engagement. people are just gettin' right in there, committing themselves, meshing their lives, and that gets confusing for everyone. everybody's hopes are up (in and surrounding the supposedly blossoming relationship). this makes the 'break up' scenario difficult, and sometimes avoided when it should be embraced (to put it lightly). people get stuck... i've seen it. when the situation has become complex and, in the end, the result can be heart-breaking. 

i think dating, in these cases, sets up people to lose-- where attachment meets routine in the worst way. "just go with it, see how it plays out...", "you don't want to hurt him..."... so tricky, i totally get it. all i'm saying is, courting provides a clear way out because you were committed to finding out whether the 'two of you' worked. it's a bit "business", but i'd argue it gets the job done, y'know? 

so, what's the verdict? there are some of you who are reading this who might think "your definition of courting is my definition of dating". pa-tay-toe/pa-tah-toe. hakuna matata. sounds good to me... i'm happy we agree! others might be thinking "best of luck with your court-dates, rrrraaach!" and that's cool, too. 

thanks for reading - happy dating/courting/daourting! ('cause everybody loves a good combo-pack!)

with shame i feel exposed

with love i can succeed

with beauty, find a rose

with fear i lose myself

with light i lift from lows

with choice i’m given freedom

with flight i join the crows

with friendship there is sharing

with joy there is laughing

with pain there is learning

with truth there is growing

with voice there is giving

with sight there is leading

with touch there is reaching

with words there is meaning 

with sorrow is found the broken

with building is found the brick

with faith is found the first step

with chase is found the quick

with tears is found the release

with magic is found the trick

with mercy is found the undeserved

with healing is found the sick

our world is broken

i mean, ripped apart and fallen

in a sad and twisted way

in a hurt others cause i’ve been hurt, 

fall down, hit the dirt, 

break down, hit the first 

thing that cracks me, 

irks me, disturbs me

our world is dark

the light doesn’t penetrate

it could, i mean, it does

it should and will because

the Light is greater still 

then broken hearts and broken wills 

then patterns of abuse

then poverty’s refuse

our world is ugly

not the created world, 

not the beauty of one another

but the way we forget to be beautiful

the way we choose our nature 

based on the hurt we’ve felt

the hand we’re dealt

it’s broken; it’s dark and ugly

you are not

we are not

(note: by Jewish law she ceremonially unclean. she wouldn't be welcome anywhere!)

then her act is acknowledged because Jesus knew the difference between her reaching and the crowds' pushing. One reason Dr Ralph Wilson suggests Jesus "exposed her secret" of silent healing is that Jesus is taking the first step in lifting the burden of uncleanness from her by accepting her publicly.

as i share with you, i feel like i am the woman in Luke 8:47,
47And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed.

i admire her. she's bold! she's elbowed her way through the crowd to get the healing she's needed for years. the most interesting part of the story to me is that she gets the healing and thinks she's outta there-- no 'thank you', no conversation with Jesus, nothing. it's Jesus that's immediately interested: "Who was it that touched me?"

i think we still feel the need to hide once we've received healing. shame is a powerful thing. is it that we don't believe we are truly forgiven? the woman in the story would have feared public shaming should the crowd have known her situation. her focus is on her identity as an unwell person (and one particular flaw that has kept her ostracized), not the miracle that has made her well.

"insert Rachel"-- a little shaky, to be honest. knowing and recognizing that i am not hidden from God... my weakness, darkness, loneliness, brokenness and failures are all exposed. yep, all of that and lots more. but, i'm forgiven. FOR-GI-VEN! there is no point getting stuck in the 'yes, but...' of limiting God's grace and mercy towards me by not believing when the reality is that i am free from those things. i can see my weakness, sin or anything else that makes me imperfect as the location in which God's grace and mercy collides with my need continues the process of making me whole.

read here "Bleeding & Believing" (author?)- a poem i was given by a dear friend years ago.

In his book Spiritual Direction, Henri Nouwen says:
"only by expressing our anger and resentment directly to God in prayer will we come to know the fullness of love and freedom. only by pouring out our story of fear rejection, hatred, and bitterness can we hope to be healed."

Psalm 138:3 -- "On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased."
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"psalm 139" - rebecca st james

you search me, you know me
you see my every move
there's nothing i could ever do
to hide myself from you
you know my thoughts
my fears and hurts
my weaknesses and pride
you know what i am going through
and how i feel inside
but, even though you know
you will always love me
even though you know
you'll never let me go
i don't deserve your love
but you give it freely
you will always love me
even though you know

---

* on the blogs with a song there is a link to the song via youtube- click on the blog title.