bold, bleeding & believing

October 15, 2011

this song came to mind today when i was reflecting on God's love for me as the Beloved.

today, i am looking at the passage in Luke 8:43-48. the story here is about a woman who has looked for healing everywhere and believes Jesus has the power to heal her. she believes so much that, in a crowded place, she reaches out to touch him and is healed.

(note: by Jewish law she ceremonially unclean. she wouldn't be welcome anywhere!)

then her act is acknowledged because Jesus knew the difference between her reaching and the crowds' pushing. One reason Dr Ralph Wilson suggests Jesus "exposed her secret" of silent healing is that Jesus is taking the first step in lifting the burden of uncleanness from her by accepting her publicly.

as i share with you, i feel like i am the woman in Luke 8:47,
47And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed.

i admire her. she's bold! she's elbowed her way through the crowd to get the healing she's needed for years. the most interesting part of the story to me is that she gets the healing and thinks she's outta there-- no 'thank you', no conversation with Jesus, nothing. it's Jesus that's immediately interested: "Who was it that touched me?"

i think we still feel the need to hide once we've received healing. shame is a powerful thing. is it that we don't believe we are truly forgiven? the woman in the story would have feared public shaming should the crowd have known her situation. her focus is on her identity as an unwell person (and one particular flaw that has kept her ostracized), not the miracle that has made her well.

"insert Rachel"-- a little shaky, to be honest. knowing and recognizing that i am not hidden from God... my weakness, darkness, loneliness, brokenness and failures are all exposed. yep, all of that and lots more. but, i'm forgiven. FOR-GI-VEN! there is no point getting stuck in the 'yes, but...' of limiting God's grace and mercy towards me by not believing when the reality is that i am free from those things. i can see my weakness, sin or anything else that makes me imperfect as the location in which God's grace and mercy collides with my need continues the process of making me whole.

read here "Bleeding & Believing" (author?)- a poem i was given by a dear friend years ago.

Once there was a wound
It was no ordinary wound
It was my wound
We had lived together long

I yearned to be free of this wound
I wanted the bleeding to stop
Yet if the truth be known
I felt a strange kind of gratitude for this wound
It had made me tremendously open to grace 
vulnerable to God's mercy.

A beautiful believing in me that I have named Faith
kept growing, daring me, to reach for what i could not see
This wound had made me open.
I was ready for grace
And so one day, I reached.

That I was thick in the crowd bleeding and believing and I reached
At first I reached for what I could see; the fringe of a garment
But my reaching didn't stop there for Someone reached back into me
A grace I couldn't see flowed through me. 
A power I didn't understand began to fill the depths of me. 

Trembling, I was called forth to claim my wholeness
The bleeding had left me.
The believing remained.
And as strange as this may sound, 
I have never lost my gratitude for the wound that made me so open to grace. 

In his book Spiritual Direction, Henri Nouwen says:
"only by expressing our anger and resentment directly to God in prayer will we come to know the fullness of love and freedom. only by pouring out our story of fear rejection, hatred, and bitterness can we hope to be healed."

Psalm 138:3 -- "On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased."
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"psalm 139" - rebecca st james

you search me, you know me
you see my every move
there's nothing i could ever do
to hide myself from you
you know my thoughts
my fears and hurts
my weaknesses and pride
you know what i am going through
and how i feel inside
but, even though you know
you will always love me
even though you know
you'll never let me go
i don't deserve your love
but you give it freely
you will always love me
even though you know

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* on the blogs with a song there is a link to the song via youtube- click on the blog title.

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