(note: by Jewish law she ceremonially unclean. she wouldn't be welcome anywhere!)

then her act is acknowledged because Jesus knew the difference between her reaching and the crowds' pushing. One reason Dr Ralph Wilson suggests Jesus "exposed her secret" of silent healing is that Jesus is taking the first step in lifting the burden of uncleanness from her by accepting her publicly.

as i share with you, i feel like i am the woman in Luke 8:47,
47And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed.

i admire her. she's bold! she's elbowed her way through the crowd to get the healing she's needed for years. the most interesting part of the story to me is that she gets the healing and thinks she's outta there-- no 'thank you', no conversation with Jesus, nothing. it's Jesus that's immediately interested: "Who was it that touched me?"

i think we still feel the need to hide once we've received healing. shame is a powerful thing. is it that we don't believe we are truly forgiven? the woman in the story would have feared public shaming should the crowd have known her situation. her focus is on her identity as an unwell person (and one particular flaw that has kept her ostracized), not the miracle that has made her well.

"insert Rachel"-- a little shaky, to be honest. knowing and recognizing that i am not hidden from God... my weakness, darkness, loneliness, brokenness and failures are all exposed. yep, all of that and lots more. but, i'm forgiven. FOR-GI-VEN! there is no point getting stuck in the 'yes, but...' of limiting God's grace and mercy towards me by not believing when the reality is that i am free from those things. i can see my weakness, sin or anything else that makes me imperfect as the location in which God's grace and mercy collides with my need continues the process of making me whole.

read here "Bleeding & Believing" (author?)- a poem i was given by a dear friend years ago.

In his book Spiritual Direction, Henri Nouwen says:
"only by expressing our anger and resentment directly to God in prayer will we come to know the fullness of love and freedom. only by pouring out our story of fear rejection, hatred, and bitterness can we hope to be healed."

Psalm 138:3 -- "On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"psalm 139" - rebecca st james

you search me, you know me
you see my every move
there's nothing i could ever do
to hide myself from you
you know my thoughts
my fears and hurts
my weaknesses and pride
you know what i am going through
and how i feel inside
but, even though you know
you will always love me
even though you know
you'll never let me go
i don't deserve your love
but you give it freely
you will always love me
even though you know

---

* on the blogs with a song there is a link to the song via youtube- click on the blog title.

even the thought of a bride walking down the aisle gets me every time. gets me thinking, that is, and for good reason, about choice and love, promises and beauty. the beauty lies in the act of one person surrendering their right to pursue their own selfish goals and choosing sacrifice for the benefit of the other... 'as long as they both shall live'. it's promise is for forever. it's real. it's beautiful. it's really beautiful.

i was listening not long ago to a man speak about the choice we make for God when we choose to 'do life' with Him. when my choices become not only an inner dialogue but a group discussion. it includes being part of community and being accountable for my life's choices. he said that the real question Jesus is asking us as we journey through life is "will you marry me?". that is: will you, forsaking all others, love Me?

it's the 'forsaking all others' bit that I have trouble with when it comes to my relationship with Jesus. i love God, and with His loving kindness and faithfulness, it's not Him that makes it a difficult task. but, boy, do i love others. i thrive on the approval of those 'others' and am spurred on by the slightest inclination of "well done". these come in the form of a smile, nod, wink, high five, pat on the back, props*, laugh, direct verbal affirmation, an "i'll take that as a compliment" moment.... yep, gimme anything and i'll boast of it to myself. it's often in the words and encouragement or discouragement others that i choose to cling. it's the story i tell myself - 'they think you are so...' whatever it is.

Henri Nouwen says (Inner Voice of Love) "your inexhaustible need for affection is an addiction. stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self... let go of all these self-made props* and trust that God is enough for you".

God calls me away from the 'others' rat race i find myself caught up in. i'm beckoned to come, be welcomed in, stand before Him, and find myself in the Truth of His love for me.

Nouwen goes on to say: "you are being asked to trust that you will find what you need in [Him]... which requires the death of what has become so precious to you: influence, success, yes, even affection and praise".

maybe that's what's beautiful about a bride & groom - their relationship is a gift whereby God restores to them the Truth of who they are in the presence of their beloved. the truth of themselves as one who is loved. the new couple is choosing life together as a 'carrying out' of the Love poured on them by their Maker.

-----------------------------------------------------

My Beloved

(by:kari jobe)

you're my beloved, you're my bride

to sing over you is my delight

come away with me, my love

under my mercy come and wait

'til we are standing face to face

i see no stain on you, my child

you're beautiful to me

so beautiful to me

i sing over you my song of peace

cast all your cares down at my feet

come and find your rest in me

i'll breathe my life inside of you

i'll bear you up on eagle's wings

and hide you in the shadow of my strength

i'll take you to my quiet waters

i'll restore your soul

come rest in me and be made whole

---------------------------------------------------

Matthew 22:14

"Now go to the main roads & invite to the wedding feast as many as you can find"

don't forget to listen to the song! (click on the title.)

----------------------------------------------------------

Isaiah 61

"...bring good news to the poor... bind up the brokenhearted... proclaim liberty to the captives, the opening of the prison to those who are bound... to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor... to comfort all who mourn... to grant those who mourn [a beautiful headdress instead of ashes], the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit.

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor, they shall rejoice in their lot... they shall have everlasting joy."

IT IS FOR FREEDOM THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SET FREE.

----------------------------------------------------------

john 20:31 "these things are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name"

we live. we're good at breathing. we like to talk. we reserve the right to ignore. we laugh and we cry. we dive in if we want to, and avoid when we don't. we give, but often take more. we think we've got this 'living' thing down.

we start new. we pull our socks up. we make goals, and try once again.

the beautiful thing about my God is the unprecedented grace that's been handed out and given freely for 2000 years. really the truth about the gift of grace is that you just accept it. it cost a lot, yes, the cost was steep and its been taken care of, and now its on you to accept it. as you probably know, that's harder than it sounds. we can't believe that God arranged for such a sweet gift of redemption.

"He is wise in heart and mighty in strength -- who has hardened himself against him, and succeeded?..." Job 9:4

the reason why i like this song is really that it's like God saying to me, "I already have this figured out. You're not going to find better. You won't get everything figured out to the point where you won't need my grace. Let me protect you and lead you. I've equipped you and I won't let you fall!"

1 Kings 18: 21-22 "How long will you go limping between two different opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him..."

This is not about the shame game. We fall, we fail, we learn, and we grow. God through Jesus is about redemption, and thanks to His goodness, and the freedom we receive in His love and perfect gift of Jesus, we live the classic Cinderella story.

"You are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and did not forsake them" Nehemiah 9:17b

His whispers knock us off our feet and remind us that we are held by the hands that formed the world.

I pray for peace, joy, strength, blessing and reliance on a very big God in the new year.

-------------------------------------------------------

by your side - tenth avenue north

why are you trying to earn grace?

why are you crying?

let me lift up your face

just don't turn away

why are you looking for love?

why are you still searching

as if I'm not enough

to where will you go, child?

tell me, where will you run?

to where will you run?

I'll be by your side

wherever you call

in the dead of night

whenever you fall

please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

look at these hands and my side

they swallowed the grave on that night

when i drank the world's sin

so i could carry you in

and give you life

I want to give you life

Isaiah 43:1-3

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you... he who formed you...

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you"

--------------------------------------------------

i think it's understood that the prerequisite for healing is being wounded or unwell. let's go from there.

since everyone has wounds, we're in this together. it can be that part of you that goes (and will continue to go) unmentioned. there are so many different kinds of venues for hurt. the seas of doubt, untold secrets, all kinds of painful memories, loss or fear or insecurities that can rage inside. other hurt is in the form of calloused, numb and cracked parts that exist like embers of an old fire in a slow burn from a once furious blaze. it's exhausting. it's lonely.

HARK. "You, my brothers, were called to be free!" Galatians 5:13

the beautiful part of the family of God is what happens in it when a member suffers. the norm of suffering, of course, is to attend to the hurting individual, 'make the bleeding stop', and comfort them in their pain. there's a next step that i've seen and am blessed by within the "family" context: Love joins into another's suffering. Furthermore, I believe God gives us examples and heroes of our faith to guide us through our suffering. God uses others to minister to us when we suffer.

Jeremiah 3:15 'I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding'

It's hard to believe that the pain we feel is beneficial. I think most of the time I don't trust that "God has a plan for my life". Our society tells us that 'what goes around comes around' and that we offended someone, and 'making amends' will solve the trouble of suffering. There is no doubt that making amends will aid in the process of healing, however, true heart healing comes from .

In May of this year, I sat on a bed in a small one-room building in the beautiful land of Jamaica, reunited with my dear friend Agnes after 5 years. After singing a few songs with her from her small, well-used black hymn book, she asked that I read Ezekiel 37 to her. Though I don't know that I had never read this passage on "The Valley of Dry Bones" before, after reading it aloud for her, I was blown away by the message that Agnes held so dear in the confines of the infirmary where she lived.

Ezekiel 37

God asks:

"Son of Man, can these bones live?" (v.3)

Textbook answer:

"Oh Lord God, you know" (v.4)

God's promise:

"I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live... you shall know I am the Lord...." (v.5)

Our disbelief:

"Our bones are dried up, our hope is lost; we are clean cut off" (v.11)

God's repeats:

"I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live... then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it" (v.14)

Agnes: "Amen... Praise God... yes... shall live!! Amen..."

My Jamaican sister, sitting on the same bed for the last 5 years and probably many more previously, finds hope in knowing that her dry bones, her present suffering, is not the end for her. Her God has promised restoration and claiming this as her very own, Agnes rejoices in her present suffering.

Isaiah 5:8 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord, for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Healer - by: Kari Jobe

you hold my every moment

you calm my raging seas

you walk with me through fire

and heal all my disease

i trust in You

i believe you are all i need

i believe you're my portion

i believe you're more than enough for me

Jesus, you're all i need

nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands

--------------------------------------------------------

Isaiah 51:11

"And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing;

everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;

they shall obtain gladness and joy,

and sorry and sighing shall flee away"

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

--------------------------------------------------

to be forsaken in weakness has got to be the darkest place. like being kicked when you're already down. "not only do i identify as weak, someone knows that about me, and on the basis of my weakness, i'm rejected and alone".

we live in a quick-paced, cut-throat society that doesn't understand the meaning of grace or mercy. if you're falling behind, you double-time it back on track. if you're Superman or the female equivalent, you pull all that off before anybody notices. otherwise, our power-hungry society has judged, shamed and forgotten about you.

it's good to know that there's a Champion of our cause. a forgiving and wonderful Father that welcomes us into His arms every time we turn to Him. we are granted shelter and awarded grace and mercy through faith in Jesus. it's a never-ending, fierce love that Jesus covers us with.

so what of those living in fear, darkness and shame? our brothers and sisters, our friends, parents, acquaintances, and the man we walk past on the street everyday. i think as ambassadors of Christ (2 Cor 5), its on us to be the ones reaching out and extending love to those trapped in the darkness of failure, or addictions to work, power, money, substance, and all kinds of other crafty traps. everyone's got dark corners. everyone. however, identifying the darkness isn't what we're called to. we're called to bring the light to dark places. to shine and love and be gracious to one another.

2 Corinthians 2:15

"For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."

Ecclesiastes 4:10

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But, pity the man who falls and has no one to help him."

The truth is that we are saved from condemnation and are never in the position to administer justice, wrath or shame on others. We are freed slaves of sin. Let us, in our freedom, knowing that Jesus has loved us and "rises to have mercy on us", be agents of that Light we've seen.

Chronicles 7:14 (God talking)

"if my people, who are called by my Name... shall humble themselves... pray, seek, crave and 'require of necessity' my face... and turn from their wicked ways, then, I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and... heal their land."

--------------------------------------------------

You Are for Me - Kari Jobe

so loving and so true

so powerful in all you do

you fill me, you see me

you know my every move

you love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me

I know that you are for me

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

I know that you have come down

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me of who you are

so patient, so gracious

so merciful and true

so wonderful in all you do

------------------------------------------------------

Ephesians 3:16-18

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ."

It's been a while. I spent the summer at camp, moved my life to a different city and now here I am: back to typing in bare feet.

-------------------------------------------------------

acts 17:24-28

"The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made ... every nation of mankind ... that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find Him. He is actually not far from each one of us, for 'in Him we live and move and have our being".

------------------------------------------------------

The first time I heard this song was in a service at the preparatory staff week before campers arrive at camp. I felt as though someone had been given a key to my heart, read it cover to cover like a book, and typed it out for everyone to read on PowerPoint.

I was exhausted. Utterly spent and feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility that was mine and the task ahead of me for the summer. As I'm sure you can imagine, or perhaps you've experienced, arriving at camp with an empty tank is not ideal. It's a beautiful mix of expectancy and hopefulness. Mostly because you don't have a choice but to trust in God's provision. You won't be able to pull off what's ahead, and you know God can, so you're left to surrender every effort to His care and good plan.

Here's where the desert idea kicks in. So, here I am, parched, and trying to sing. Trying to give from a place of brokenness and weakness. Trying. Believing. Remaining. Receiving. Learning.

REMAIN. The central theme of the summer. From the passage in John 15, we were directed in our discussions and reflection that really it is God who works, and in His beautiful plan we are chosen to participate in that work. For me, remaining meant keeping "me" out of it. Being a channel, clear of hindrance or blockage, to bring praise and to serve throughout the circumstances ("in every season") where I believe, though I forget, that God is always faithful. The promise and proof of God's faithfulness to me, as His child, is real. And so, I always have a reason to worship and sing. I will bring praise. I will rejoice and declare that God is my victory, and He is here.

DESERT: "when all that's within me feels dry"

the LIES: You will always feel alone. You were made for brokenness and suffering.

the TRUTH: You were chosen to participate in greatness. You will be saved from your suffering. Your King knows your suffering.

IN MY HUNGER & NEED: "my God is the God who provides"

isaiah 41:10 "so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"

the LIES: You will not be comforted. You are always going to be striving for what you need. You will never be whole.

the TRUTH: You don't need to be afraid of what will happen tomorrow. You are safe. God knows your need.

FIRE: "in weakness or trial or pain"... "refine me Lord through the flame"

isaiah 40:31 "...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength..."

BATTLE: "when triumph is still on its way"

the LIES: You will never see victory.

the TRUTH: The battle is won. Triumph is coming. It is here.

"No weapon formed against me shall remain"

acts 18:9 "do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, for I am with you, and no one will attack you to harm you..."

the LIES: You won't be able to do it. You'll fail. Your efforts will be in vain. You'll be out there all alone.

the TRUTH: You are God's masterpiece, created to do good... You're not common! You're the Beloved. You'll never be alone.

HARVEST: "filled to be emptied again"

psalm 51 "Create in me a clean heart... restore to me the JOY of your salvation... and renew a right spirit within me."

romans 3:23-24 "for all have sinned and fall sort of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus"

the LIES: You're stained. You're used up. You can't be made whole. And even if you were, God can't use you.

the TRUTH: Grace has been poured out on you to restore you and give you joy. This joy will overflow to others to the glory of God.

------------------------------------------------------